Today, while I practiced more “hardly working” than “working hard” from my desk, I stumbled upon something thought provoking on Facebook.
I have “liked” quite a few pages/groups related to anxiety and depression, so in addition to those posts, the Facebook gods usually throw in a few suggestions of their own. Of course, now that I’ve thought this through and am physically writing on my blog, I can’t find the link I clicked, so you’ll just have to trust me.
The link was titled something along the lines of how people with depression love differently than anyone else. Interesting stuff, I thought. Troubling, life commonly is when you’re dealing with mental health issues that unfortunately affect those we love! So I click on the link, and it’s 10-12 bullet points of explanation about how needy depression can make you sometimes. Always needing a shoulder to cry on; constantly needing attention; Becoming hyper-affectionate…
I laughed out loud. If I had these symptoms of depression, I wouldn’t have half the struggles in life I currently do.
Now, disclaimer: I’m not saying these people are better off than me. I had just never considered that depression could manifest in this way. I can imagine what these poor people are going through with these symptoms and how hard it must be for them. There must be feelings of guilt for needing the attention, and like they’re incapable of being left alone. That must suck.
But that’s just not me in the slightest. In fact, I am the exact opposite.
For me at least, if I had those feelings, I think I wouldn’t struggle as much getting my people to understand me. Notably, my boyfriend. My struggle is that I do love differently than those who aren’t depressed, in that I love you, but I’m going to go ahead and love you from over here. I want to be left alone most of the time. Not that I’m anti-social. I’m very social! But when I’ve decided I’m done being social, I’m done being social. I want to be by myself watching movies, or reading a book, I don’t care to talk to anyone, and may not even acknowledge your presence for hours. It may seem rude or inconsiderate, but it’s not meant to be.
My boyfriend has the hardest time with this than anyone else in my life, understandably. He says he understands my mood swings, but sometimes he ponders how I could love him and simultaneously want him to give me so much space. He is such a big hearted, affectionate person and while I love that about him, I’m no always capable of participating in the way he (or even I, in an undepressed mood) would prefer.
He may want to talk for hours over the phone bcos he miss me like that but sometimes I'm just not in the mood, so I would start making my own drama: blaming him things that he never do, start judging him & start asking questions that might sparked an argument. I'm very hard to handle and therefore I really look up to him that even if I have this flaws, he still choose to stay.
Another issue that has arisen is that I haven't made him feel loved and cared about for awhile and it slowly driving him away. Two nights ago, he decided to LET ME GO. he said he was tired, sick of everything, that he couldn't bare anymore pain. The moment I red his message, my heart shattered into pieces. Depression level GOES HIGH UP. For a moment, I WANTED TO DIE. For a moment ALL MY DREAMS WAS VANISHED INTO THIN AIR. For a moment I COULDN'T HEAR ANYTHING ELSE ASIDE FROM MY OWN HEARTBEAT THAT'S BEATING SO FAST THAT IT MIGHT WANT TO EXPLODE. For a moment I HATED LOUIE.
I started punching the wall, banging my head to the wall. (crazy I know) but I guess people dealing with anxiety acts this way. Lads, I just wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to ripped my heart out so I wouldn't feel anymore pain. Just imagine how mutilate I am that night. I feel so worthless, worthless enough that the love of my life couldn't fight for me anymore. I wanted to punch him, kick his arse.. I wanted him to feel the exact same pain that i'm going through that night!
I cried for hours.
He told me he don't mean every word he says, that all he wanted was to know what I'll do if he let me go. He wanted to know if I'm gonna run after him, ask him come to come back, beg for him to stay or I love him just as much as before. And clearly I DO! I love him with all my heart that there's nothing left for myself anymore. I gave him every bit of me, nothing less.
I feel bad for him for this because he does not deserve to feel unloved, which of course, makes me feel more depressed. I love him madly, so why does it have to be this way?
But fellas, we are good. We have settled the misunderstandings.
So tonight, as odd as it may be, I recognize that if I had opposing manifestations of my depression than the ones I do have, my particular situation would be much improved from many angles.
In moments like this, it’s so easy to want to get down on myself instantly, but I try to remember that there are plenty of things in life that “could be” and it is okay that those are not reality. It does not make me a failure. It does not make me a bad person. It does not mean I am weird or stupid, or heartless. I’m doing the best I can given the situation and feeling sorry for things that are out of my control will only cause more harm to myself and those around me. I instead find little ways to compromise with myself, so that I can meet the needs of my loved ones, while still upholding the unique self-soothing I require.
Although Louie does his best to understand my needs and is completely loving to me despite it all, that does not mean he does not have feelings, and I should take advantage. I still need to do as much towards the well being of the relationship as I can, as to keep it as healthy as possible despite the obvious challenges. Taking small actions where I can, to buffer out the things I can’t bring myself to budge on, really seem to help not only him but me as well.
I can’t have everything I “want” without expecting them to impact those around me, after all.
Doing these little actions that mean so much to him helps hold things together when I simply can not budge. For instance, when I’ve had a mood swing and needed time alone until I can calm down, I really can’t change that I need that at that moment. Conscious loving actions make me feel great as well because I know they make him happy, and I want nothing more for him than happiness.
If can go against my natural, depressive instincts sometimes, it’s not as devastating to either of our well beings (or the relationships) during the instances when I’m simply an anxious lady who needs to be left the hell alone.
"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."
"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware."
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
"A woman can be anything the man who loves her would have her be. "
So before I come to the end of this post, I would like clarify something. I posted a picture of random kid that I saw at the Ministop a week ago on Instagram. Most of you is asking if he's mine or Louie's and the answer is NO. *laughs hysterically*
We may have discussed or even consider to have our own soon but naw, that cute little fella isn't ours. I took a photo of him because personally I think he looks exactly what our future child would look like considering the kid is as cute as my Louie! HAHAHAHAHA!! That kid have the exact same nose as my boyfriend's. *inlove*
So yeah, you guys could quit throwing me questions regarding to this photo.
Let's just hope that I & Louie's child would look cute-er than this little fella. :)
