Like, at all.
Me, the girl who seemingly knows everything (according to myself, of course), the girl who is always so sure about her feelings, the girl who is certain about what she wants and who she wants to be, the girl who has had her entire life planned out since she was eight years old, right down the color of her first child’s nursery… has no f*cking clue about anything anymore.
And I can’t tell if that’s a bad thing or not.
I mean, on one hand, I’m only twenty one years old; I have my entire life ahead of me, so who says that I have to have anything figured out right now? Who cares if I don’t know what career I want or what I’m looking for in a significant other or where I see myself in five years?
I’ve got time, right?
Sure, some might think so.
But, on the other hand, I’m in college. I'll graduate in 2 years *estimated*. I’ve been out of my parents house for four years, and soon, I’ll be living by myself, paying rent, taking care of myself, and, assumably, putting my degree to good use.
I should have my life together by now, right?
Most of my secondary school friends and classmates are scoring real jobs, getting engaged, having babies, buying houses, and, f*ck, it makes me feel like I’m way behind, you know?
Every time I feel like I’m doing okay and I convince myself to be patient with myself and my life, something comes to my attention that makes me feel like I’m doing it all wrong.
Maybe you should’ve just stayed in Singapore and went to Junior College, Ngee Ann Poly and NUS to be an Architect. You’d get a job immediately and you’d enjoy life after you graduate.
You probably should’ve stayed with your high school sweetheart. Realistically, you guys could’ve made it; you’d probably even be looking to be engaged soon if you had.
It would be so much easier for you to just settle down where all of your friends and family are. Think of the familiarity and financial stability…
Those are all things that I genuinely say to myself whenever I start to doubt the decisions I’ve made up to this point.
Gosh, growing up is so scary.
Clearly, I’m still confused about who I am and what I want.
But, even through all of the doubts and mental breakdowns and regular panic attacks, I always come to the same conclusion:
I’m going to be okay.
Things aren’t easy, by any means; I’m stressed and I still have so much to figure out, but I love my life and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I may not know how or when I’m getting there, but I know where I’m going to end up.
I’m going to graduate college. I’m going to have a career that I love. I’m going to spend years traveling and visiting every place on this big blue earth that I’ve ever dreamt about seeing.
I’m going to share my heart with a guy that is crazy about me, and who only gets slightly annoyed when I cry too much and demand unnecessary amounts of attention from him.
He and I are going to create amazing memories with each other and with the people we care about, and I’m going to have another amazing family who will love me simply because I’m apart of him.
Life will be wonderful.
Then, when we’re ready, I’m going to start popping out some beautiful little mixed babies.
And when they’re older, I’ll be able to show them old pictures and these super mediocre blog posts and tell them all about my life and my doubts and my fears.
I may not have the answers to every question that they’ll have, but I’ll give them reassurance that, even when they’re not feeling so good about life, things always turn out the way that they’re meant to.
Then I’ll sing them a lullaby until they fall asleep, walk into the kitchen and eat an entire can of Cheese Whiz, and think about how glad I am that I didn’t give up.
That I didn’t shrink back because something wasn’t easy.
That I didn’t chase people or things that weren’t meant for me.
That I didn’t stay in that place or with that person simply because they were familiar.
I will be proud of myself for pushing myself to be better and to do better and to chase those right feelings, even when I was uncertain about what I wanted.
Even though I am far from where I am meant to be and I know I will have plenty more breakdowns before I get there, deep down, I’m content knowing that I am going to be just fine.
And so are you.
