I DID IT! Road to Internship

Hello Dolls!! It's been eons subsequently the last time I did a blog post. It’s indeed great to finally have the time and audacity to post another. For the past months, I've been caught up with my school works and dealing with my fucked up life. (but srsly its more about school works. NAH I KID)

I finally did it you guys! I'm now an intern *sobs* I don't want to sound so emotional about it but to my most readers you guys are aware of how much I went through to get this far. I've transfers from school to school, jump from course to course & ultimately, I found the precise course I want to pursue and that's Radiology. But have confidence in me when I say, I won't be stopping here. I will do entirety in my supremacy to be a Doctor someday, Obstetrician or a Surgeon maybe that's what I always wanted. Moreover we're all free to dream high and big. Baby steps munchkins, I'll get there.

This school semester was the most perplexing and strenuous. I was at that point wherein I wanted to give up. I even encountered lot of hitches and snags doing the first three chapter of our thesis, but after alot of misunderstandings, disputations & some issues settled with my co-researchers we were able to finish it & successfully defended it. There's another 2 chapters left which we would be doing this coming semester together with the internship, I just hope everything go smoothly, but whatever let's just play by ears.

I have to say but my favorite subject this semester is Radiologic Therapy & Radiologic Pathology, this is the only subjects that I could say I learned something, & I learned alot. likeeee way alot compared to CT, MRI and others. Before the semester started, I was expecting that MRI & CT would be my favorite subject but it got all fucked up when the professor only attended the class for like 4 fucking times in a whole semester. WHAT A SHAME. But whatever, im not holding it against him. But I'm pretty worried about my board exam review in the future, I got very less knowledge on my major subjects, or maybe I feel like it wasn't enough to top the board. & that makes me want to scream because I do have GOALS!

I was able to maintain my grades and personally I think that’s good enough.  My goal was to passed with flying colors and that’s what exactly happened. I couldn’t be more grateful and over the moon about it. I’m about to start a new chapter of my life & I don’t know what to feel about it, I mean don’t get me wrong I’m truly happy but I wouldn’t deny the fact that I’m terrified. I’m scared to fucked up! I know how great I could be in a class setting but I have no idea what will happen when I go out of the classroom and start with the clinical setting. I’m afraid I won’t be able to vibe with the people in the hospitals, and that they won’t like me, furthermore  I’m afraid I won’t be good enough with my patients. But what’s left for me to do is atleast TRY. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. 

All of you discerns how difficult it is for me to interact with people, because most of the time I just wanted to be left alone. Alright. That’s a lie. I don’t want to be left alone. I mean who wants to feel LONELY?? No one! I just choose the right people who I want to interact or bond with. I’m a very selective person when it comes to whom I want to surround myself with. Because, I’m avoiding dramas and phony people. So I guess, it would take some time before I could adjust to my new environment. TBH, my only problem was LADIES. Geez, I can’t believe I’m saying this but most girls dislikes me. Why? I have no idea. As long as im not doing something to offend and hurt someone then I’m all good. Besides, we can’t please everyone around us. Every now and then, there will be someone who will throw shade on you and dislikes you for a pity reason, just happens that I have a enormous amount of GIRL HATERS. And as for boys, my problem is every single guy who interacts with me tends to fall inlove with me & that’s fucked up for a woman who are in a relationship. Everyone have a hidden agenda. Can’t I have atleast one friend who doesn’t have feelings for me at all?! I don’t want to sound like a bitch but that’s true. Ugh! It’s so great to be a BEAUTIFUL & SMART human being. They could either Hate you or Love you.

I’ll try to update you guys on what will happen on my internship, its not a promise, Aights? But I’ll try. 

LOVES,

This Is How We Learn To Stand Again

Life experiences have molded our own identity, as well as they have built walls against other beliefs, other ideas, and even other people.

We cannot blame the past, all the things which have already happened. We cannot change it, we cannot erase it, we cannot replace it, and we cannot run away from it.

In the middle of the night, it haunts us like a ghost which would bring us the fear. No matter what you name it – depression or anxiety – you already know that it was born from our imagination. It is the fear which holds us back.

We are becoming a victim, a slave, or a servant to this scary creature. As if we are making a rational reasoning to why we cannot move forward, why we cannot take a little step further or to why we cannot set on a new journey.

The worst enemy is ourselves, who are trying to defend something but we feel like we are not strong enough, who are just waiting for a moment to scream out for the freedom, who holds back to take every chance because of the fear of failure.

We keep denying the true self. We are feeling guilty for being of who we really are. We are protecting our heart from other’s criticisms, judgments, and rejections. We let our mind being controlled by ignorance, numbness, and hate.

We have always hoped that these imaginary enemies will suddenly fade away. We have always wished every hurtful emotion will go away.

But instead, we learn how to face the beast living inside us.

We learn how to confront all the monsters growling in our mind. We turn on the light in the midst of darkness. We rebuild ourselves from those broken pieces. We become gentle with all the harsh feelings we get. We laugh in times of unbearable pain. We set ourselves free by breaking chains that have bound us.

We learn how to stand up again after we fall a thousand times. 

The Perfectly Imperfect Girl And How I Can’t Even Be Her

How do you even begin an essay regarding the topic of “Perfect Girls” or perfection in general? I feel like when people write about their flaws or insecurities, they always write these clichéd melancholy essay about how they were bullied growing up for being “ugly” or having some type of physical characteristic deemed unattractive but they overcame it and they now see the true beauty in life etc.

I don’t want to be one of those people who go on about their troubled past and fill my essays with “woe is me, woe is me now I’m deep and perplexing because I’m a tortured soul” or some shit like that.

No, I like to think of myself as the “other girl.” Not the girl next door, but the girl two houses down.

Sometimes though, I wonder if somewhere out in this world, there is another “other girl” who also got an impulse Godfather tattoo, has trouble with commitment, and can’t seem to stick to that morning yoga routine. Is she cute and endearing and nebbish and irrationally nervous just like me? Does she spend her nights eating five bowls of cereal while she watches Annie Hall for the millionth time?

Am I really as unique and original as I like to think? Probably not… Actually no, the answer is no and now I have to spend the rest of my adulthood coming to terms with that fact. Everyone believes they’re different but we’re really not and now I’m just rambling. Do you see my dilemma here? Am I making sense to anyone?

Perpetually complacent, I am stuck debating between these two ideas. Am I unique and different or am I just a face in the crowd?

That’s why I hate the idea of being one of those “perfect girls,” or even the “perfectly flawed girls,” they’re just like everyone else. The perfect girls are the ones that have it all together and the perfectly flawed girls are the ones that don’t have it completely together but look good not having it together.

Then there’s me. I’m just none of it.

I’m just trying to slip my way in-between these two personas, trying to make something of myself. And I’ve spent my adulthood (for the record I’ve only been a legal adult for two years but emotionally speaking, I’m not quite there) trying to own this personality of someone who doesn’t quite fit in any sort of mold but at the end of the day, I’m just confused.

I don’t want to be the stereotypical writer who draws some dumb anecdote from their childhood, that probably never happened to them in the first place, but they needed something to relate back to Freud. The writer that everyone thinks of as this introspective genius who “gets it.”But if you are this kind’ve writer, welcome my friend! You are a perfectly flawed girl. The one who always has something to say, who stutters when speaking but can ultimately take a sip of her cheap wine and laugh it off in the name of endearment. The girl who is constantly saying “I’m this fucked person who doesn’t have it together” but hey, at least you’re owning that.

I’m constantly frazzled because at first, I thought I was one of those girls. The perfectly flawed girl but that’s just another cookie cutter group, and if I join them, then I’m stuck being the same as a million others. We’ve spent so much time looking to be unique that when someone finally found something different, everyone got on board with it, and now it’s not so unique.

Look at me, I’m shaking my fist to the sky. What good does that do? I don’t even know who I’m mad at?


Maybe I should’ve started this essay with some stupid meaningless childhood anecdote. It would’ve been a lot easier than this nonlinear bullshit. It would’ve been a lot easier to just fall in line. I’ve tried so desperately hard to be my own version of a flawed girl that I’ve just made a mess.

Truth is, I’m not quite sure what I want, or who I want to be.

A lot of people don’t like me. I can’t explain why. What’s not to like?

They like the flawed girl who is always talking about her flaws. At some point, it gets to where you wonder if she is as authentic as she pretends to be? How can you be so open about things that bothers you or destroys you? I don’t get it.

Please tell me. How can I be loved? How can I be liked? How can I be relatable? How can I be real and deep and experienced and flawed and understood all at the same time?
Because no matter how hard I try, I’m still that annoying kid who talks way too loud, sings too loud, is happy too much, who doesn’t see the horror in the world enough, who isn’t sad enough, who doesn’t quite get it because I’m too young to understand. Apparently, I’m just this naive, shallow kid who isn’t good enough or “in the know” to get it.

People always talk about society’s standards (as if they aren’t apart of society) in such a negative way. Okay, I get it, don’t fall in line with societies standards, I’ve tried that so many fucking times and still, that’s not enough.

I can’t even be the “I don’t give a fuck” kinda girl because I do give a fuck. I pretend like I don’t but I give many fucks.

I can’t be the girl with the big thighs who posts photos of herself in her underwear with the caption “I don’t give a fuck what you think” because I secretly do give a fuck what you think of my big thighs.

And if I’m being totally honest, more so than I’ve already been, I think that if people read this, then they’ll hate me more than they already do. They’ll think that I’m trying too hard, or that I’m conceited, or egotistical, or cynical, or mean. Or maybe It’s just me that thinks all those things. Part of me knows it’s just me that thinks all those things but I still feel like so does everybody else. I think I’m egotistical and that my thighs are too big. It has nothing to do with social constructs or societal standards, it’s just me.

I just don’t want to be that girl who writes “I’ll never be one of the perfect girls, but I’m happy with who I am” or some bullshit. Perfect girls don’t exist and we all know that. Can we stop pretending like she does exist? I’m tired of projecting my self-woes on an imaginary figure.

Why do I feel so empty sometimes? You know, people say be who you are but the same people that say that hate me, so now what?

I don’t know. Part of me is too exhausted to even care. Fuck it…

She Needs You To Remind Her That She’s Your Perfect Girl

She isn’t a perfect girl and believe me there isn’t one. You could try looking to the ends of the world and you would not see the perfect one for you, there will always be something more.

You could try picking up petty stones and not one of them will be as beautiful as the diamond you once found, believe me.

Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder,

And she will only be the perfect girl if you see her as one.

Some girls may be too pretty but aren’t smart enough to realize her own worth.

Some girls may be too hot but careless when it comes to protecting themselves.

Some girls may be too intelligent for her own good that she doesn’t know how to take the risk to live her life to the fullest.

They said girls are always too much of something. In my own opinion, I think every food is made up of different ingredients but each has a unique taste that is impossible for someone to make again.

You just have to look for the one that is perfect for your taste and take good care of it.
If you keep seeing all her flaws then how are you ever going to stay in one place? You have to realize that there is only one her in this world.

Every woman is different just like how birds have different wings from one another. Some fly from tree to tree and some travel the whole world and see what’s out there for them. Some fly low for fearing the intensity of the height but some take the risk of falling for the pleasure of having a chance to fall at all.

You see? They are all different. So, if you ever get the chance to meet someone who is different from everyone else, do not ever drop her looking for someone better.

Because the perfect girl for you will only come once. They don’t always come around the second time to wait for you to realize and pick them up again.
This is what I know she may not be the perfect one out of all the women in the world, but she can be the perfect one for you. You just have to give her the chance to prove that she is worthy of all your attention and prove to her in return that you are worthy enough to be called her man.

Treat her like the queen she is.

Devour her every taste, edges, and imperfections.

Love her for who she is.

She will forgive you when you’ve done her wrong, but this isn’t her weakness. She’s going to forgive you for the mere fact that she loves you.

She will be there when you are breaking apart and will not ever be afraid to see you at your worst.

She will take care of you.

She will love you no matter what and that is because she is the perfect girl for you.

When A Girl Like Her Finally Decides To Walk Away

When she decides she’s going to walk away know it came after many undeserved chances already. Know it came after so many nights where she stayed up hurting because she believed in you. Know it came after looking at herself in the mirror with tears in her eyes repeating something like ‘I love him but not enough to keep hurting myself.’

Because that’s what you caused her was so much pain when all she did was love you and try harder than she should have. And you took it for granted not appreciating her or seeing her value. Maybe she didn’t see it herself for a while and let you get away with a lot. But even the most broken people don’t have it in them to stay in toxic relationships where they are the one getting hurt.

Know that before she walked away she agonized over it. Thinking ‘should I try harder or give up now?’ Thinking accepting defeat was a failure.

She didn’t want to walk away but you didn’t give her any real reason to stay.

And when she finally did, she kept looking over her shoulder hoping and praying that just maybe you’d tell her to stop. That you’d tell her you want her there or you didn’t want her to leave

The hardest part about leaving is when you finally muster the courage to let go and leave everything behind, you realize the other person might have never really cared in the first place because if they did you wouldn’t be so emotionally conflicted.

When you have no reason to believe in someone and you do, that’s called faith. But she began to lose any faith she had in you and in herself.

While you considered her weak for tolerating less than she deserved and staying, it was really her strength for being able to endure it. But her real moment of strength came when she walked away and didn’t look back or turn back around. Her greatest strength was continuing on when all she wanted was you. She realized you would never be the person she needed.

When a girl like her walks away, she’ll blame herself for not changing you because she thought she could. She thought loving you deeply would be enough and when it wasn’t she didn’t look at you like you were the problem, she analyzed her flaws thinking she was to blame.

When she finally walks away it’ll be with tears in her eyes. Hands shaking. Her heart beating faster. Because she knows she deserves more than a love that lets her go in the first place.

I'm done Apologizing

I’m done.

Done saying sorry when people tell me I’m a flake or no fun. Done apologizing for something that I cannot take away, no matter how many pills I take or how many doctors appointments I make.

I can’t be fully healed. Not with a cast or an iv. And I can’t be permanently fixed. Anxiety isn’t like breaking a bone, or fighting a cold. It’s not something you can undo. It’s not something that just goes away.

I’m tired of saying sorry to people’s ignorant assumptions.

All I ever do is say ‘I’m sorry’. I’m sorry for having to cancel because I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m sorry for being so quiet, because I was having a panic attack. I’m sorry for showing up late, my fingers wouldn’t stop shaking. I’m sorry for canceling again because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m sorry for being a liability. I’m sorry for being too much to handle. I’m sorry for asking too many questions. I’m sorry for being a burden.

I always feel like I’m a burden.

Maybe anxiety makes me a bad friend. Maybe it makes me less of a kind and optimistic person. Maybe it makes me seem like I’m broken. Like I’m a fragile piece of paper, unable to carry my own weight.

Maybe anxiety makes me too sensitive for everyone around me. And maybe people don’t know how to react to my overcrowded thoughts that are crammed in my brain.

Maybe people don’t know how to respond to my exhales that don’t provide me with enough to anxiety. To my inhales that feel like sharp knives in my lungs. To my endless questions about anything and everything. To my trembling hands and sweat marked forehead.

I’m so sorry for making your life harder. For not being a picture perfect human being. For making your life more difficult and for making you uncomfortable. I’m so sorry for loading my anxiety onto your shoulders, for making your life not so seamless.

But you know what? I’m done feeling like a burden. Feeling like I am less of a great human being because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. And if you can’t handle my imperfect life, if you can’t handle that I have a mental illness, you can walk away. You can get out of my life.

You’d be doing me a favor.

Because I’m done apologizing for being human. I’m done apologizing for dealing with something that millions of people have to deal with. I’m done apologizing for being ‘too sensitive’. I’m done apologizing for having god forbid, feelings.

I’m a human being. Not a robot. Not someone who will ever be ‘chill’ or laid back. I’m not the type of person who will ever be a ‘go with the flow’ type of chick. I will always ask too many questions. I will always be terrified of planes. I will always have anxiety before dates. I will always have to probably take anti-anxiety meds. I will always bite my nails. I will always question my own self.

And if you can’t handle that? Then you don’t deserve a spot in my life, or a role in my play. You don’t deserve to know me. You don’t deserve to love me. You don’t deserve me at all. 

You Can’t Always Blame Yourself When The Pieces Don’t Fit

You will fall for people who won’t love you back. You will change cities and feel lost. You will apply for jobs that fall through. You will chase dreams that fade, give your heart to people who run, pray for rain and feel helpless as a storm washes you right off your feet.

You will find yourself in foreign places, desperate for the familiar. You will watch loved ones hurt and ache, and you will feel your own pain in places you never thought you would. You will try, so desperately to understand, and life won’t always make sense.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, choose, or say, or chase, or change, the pieces won’t fit.

You can give all that you have to a relationship and watch as it slips right out of your grasp. You can spend hours upon hours agonizing over a project that doesn't turn out to be as miraculous as you once hoped. You can do everything in your power to save, to fix, to mend what’s been broken, and yet, you can still watch it crinkle like tissue paper beneath your fingertips, permanently imperfect.

Sometimes, things just won’t make sense, won’t become what you wanted them to be, won’t play out as planned.

And you can take a look at yourself first and try to change your role in the mess. You can be inward-focused, working on the parts of you that may have caused bits and pieces to fall through. You can look to change, look to improve, look to yourself to shoulder some of the responsibility.

But you have to understand that sometimes you can do everything in your power to make something happen, and it’s just not meant to be. You can give yourself to a person, to a circumstance, to a situation, and end up empty, simply because it wasn’t meant for you.
And this is not your fault.

You can’t always blame yourself when the person you care about doesn’t feel the same way. You can’t always point fingers at your own soul when the relationship comes to an end, when he or she decides to go separate ways, when defeat comes knocking at your door. You can’t always carry the burden of what doesn’t happen, of what didn’t work out.

Failure and disappointment don’t have to be your self-definition.

You are not responsible for the way the world moves and shifts, for how situations change, for someone’s choice to walk away or stop believing in something you still have faith in.
You are not to blame for every little thing that doesn’t go your way.

Because life does not move according to you, according to any of us. Life moves as it pleases, molding to fate, to the cosmos, to the higher powers we believe in, to the choices and circumstances and weather patterns and strangeness of the universe.

We are not in control. We cannot make every little piece of our puzzling lives come together. We cannot force people to love like we love, or feel what we feel. We cannot make each other understand the beating of our hearts, even if we fully show ourselves to them.

We cannot alter what happens in this life other than to fight for what we feel and learn, even in our brokenness, to let go, to heal.

And so, you cannot blame yourself for when he walks away, for when she stops fighting, for when the job falls through or the city feels strange or the best-laid plans turn to mush at your feet. You cannot shoulder the burden of every torn connection, broken dream, shattered promise, storm that has taken your happiness and blown it two thousand miles away.

You must be responsible for your part, but find peace in knowing there is so much that you cannot control. You must find comfort in the acceptance of what is, rather than forever seeking what could have been. You must look back to learn, and look forward to hope. You must try to love yourself, even when your life is messy. You must shake the heaviness from your shoulders and be willing, and open to starting again. You must allow yourself to heal and know that you are not always at fault for what happens.

Sometimes pieces of this life just don’t go the way we want them to, and perhaps, in time, we will understand why.