“It’s all good”
“It’s alright”
“Not a problem”
“Don't worry about it”
“It’s not a big deal”
Unfortunately, I find most of my time is spent saying these words. I fill my life with “please” and “thank you” . I frequently employ “If you don’t mind”… yet and still, the above phrases always find their way out of my mouth. I haven’t blogged in a while, and I hate that my first post back is negative… but there’s so much inside, that i refuse to rot internally, because… maybe that's the problem with all these people i come in contact with on a daily basis. Maybe all of their past experiences and disappointments have been allowed to fester until what’s placed before me is an outwardly ripened exterior, hiding a putrid center of a diseased heart.
I’ve always believed in seeing the best in people, and even if i couldn’t see it, I’ve always tried to hold true to the golden rule… i know what i wish for… i know what i hope for and i know what makes me hurt… so i do my best to ensure that i do nothing to make others feel the way I've felt before, the way i hope never to feel again. Because of my natural distrust of people, i try to make myself trustworthy… because I've found most humans to be unreliable, i try to make myself someone that people can depend on… because i know what it feels like to need a helping hand, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and just someone else to lean on, i try to be that for others.
I guess… I just want to do my part, in hopes that it will catch on…
Logically speaking, I know there are others like me… but i fear we are grossly outnumbered. Have you ever just looked around you and noticed how self absorbed most of the population is? Whether you’re driving, or shopping, or eating, do you note the amount of people with a “me me me” attitude is staggering. It is getting to the point where there is no such thing as common courtesy. Courtesy is anything but!
If someone holds a door open for you, do you even deign to say thank you? Or do you believe doors should be opened automatically because of your existence? When you are driving, do you fall into the “lunch line mentality” of needing to be first, because your destination is more important than everyone else’s? When someone drops something, do you stand there and watch as they fumble to pick it up. Is it beneath you to assist your fellow man, if there is nothing for you to gain from it?
The sadness of it is, many believe you should do things without any thought of reward. I used to think I believed this. It turns out, I don’t do things without wanting a reward. I do want to be rewarded for my effort, and my patience, and my undying loyalty to those I care about. I guess the thing that hurts the most, is that the reward i seek, costs nothing. One kind word, one iota of sincerity, one hint of honesty, one tiny spark of forethought and consideration. unfortunately, these things cost nothing to give, yet it is more than most are willing to pay, and the cost of not receiving it is severe.
Each day, each time that there is a new disappointment that I glibly answer with “It’s not a problem”… “don’t worry about it” a little bit of the me I’m proud of suffers another blow. Every time i’m “put in my place” is another step closer i get to giving up. I have so much to offer, and I offer it freely, but everyday, i notice myself holding a little more back, in the interest of self preservation. I fight it… but everyday, I get a little weaker.
And I realized something… Its not okay… its not all good… and you SHOULD worry about it, because its a big problem…
Think of how many times a day you hear “oh, well, that’s okay”… “ah, don’t worry about it”… how many times do you chip away at someone like me… think of all the little things that take less than a second and will mean more than gold to someone who doesn't even need to be treated as special, but just needs to be treated like a human being with feelings.
As for me, I’ll continue the struggle… in the hopes that anytime I meet someone like me, i haven't become someone like them…
