Tears come rolling down my pudgy cheeks as that hole feels bigger and bigger. Looking around I see what appears as a home I once found comfortable because of the peace and serenity of it being mine and quiet. Now I see it as bare, empty, lonely and quiet- too quiet.
I am in an odd place in my life. One I hoped I would never find myself in. Unfortunately there isn't much I can not do about it, other than to take it moment by moment and learn to feel each emotion and each prompting to guide me back on the path I originally wanted to embark on.
No one else I know my age has ever been through as much figurative crap as I have and therefore no one can relate. Many young-adults haven't even been through many of these topics or issues and so relating to people is very hard. This is another element in my hatred for myself and another musical note I have to learn to love and accept.
Having a heart issue really does change me, a lot, in many ways. I've to be more heedful on my emotions. Being too sad is bad, being too stressed is bad, the sad part is, even being too happy is no good for me. Do you guys discern how difficult it is for me to deal with every crap that I face? I'm not asking anyone to understand my situation but I just hope that ppl dnt be hard on me bcos I am really trying not to be hard on myself. I stopped blaming myself for everything that's happening and has happened. Don't I deserve peace?
With recent changes in my life, I have been quiet surprised with myself. I am realizing that I do have a testimony of my own and it is strong. I know that I do have faith in the eternal plan and our Father in Heaven. I know that this is all happening for a reason and that I am being groomed for bigger, better things. I know that there is a purpose for suffering.
I have no idea how I'm going to say this but, it's over between me and Joshua.
With every change comes fear of the unknown. I am not going to lie and say that losing him hasn't freaked me out and made me have moments of doubt. IT HAS! I am not going to lie and say that I didn't at some point or another feel like this was the end, I HAVE. I am not going to lie and say that I felt I was being dropped off a cliff for dead with no other plan, I HAVE. I also have felt peace, comfort, understanding, patience and love like never before. I have seen things changing in myself I never thought I could feel or see so clearly. It is truly amazing and rewarding to me. I know I am doing the right things in my life because I can finally see the alignment coming together of a plan the Savior has. I still don't know the outcome but I know there is a purpose and that everything will be alright. I need to grab onto that comfort and peace so hard that it couldn't possibly slip away and follow it even if it's hard.
I am learning to love myself again. Learning to get myself back on track with my spirituality, my physical exercise and appearance, my patience with others around me. I need to get back on track and learn to find my voice and who I want to be. I need to clear the rubble to find the pathway to who I want to be.
