Disclaimer: Before Beautiful Lie
I have never anticipated that we will get this far, the moment I met you. When you told me about you and what you do, I was sure we will only be good as friends. But for some reason, we kept talking to each other until such time it was becoming a habit. I can remember I was still considering the past so I tried holding back. But the more we kept talking, the more I enjoyed your company.
I remember how you took care of me when I was at my lowest. You weren’t here physically, but I did feel your presence as you were always there for me.
I remember feeling so shy whenever you compliment me. Until now, I still feel all those chills, whenever you do. I think I was the one who first fell in love with you. Because I remember trying to suppress all the feelings I was having for I was too afraid to fall first. But you constantly made me feel like I was the most beautiful and the luckiest in the world. And I have never felt that way before.
Right then, I was sure, whatever that was, I want it. I want it to be real.
Over time, we get into fights because my silliness and having the worst mood swings ever. And you would be patient with me. There was never a time when you got mad at me or raised your voice at me. You have always been patient and understanding. I mean, seriously? How? I can’t even stand myself.
There were so many heartaches along the way. And it was all my doing. I kept breaking up with you because I couldn’t trust you. But now that I think about it, maybe it was because I couldn’t trust myself either that I find it hard trusting people. I had so many doubts on you that we both know were caused by insufficient evidences of your honesty. But it shouldn’t be that way because I knew from the very beginning that you have always been sincere when it comes to how you feel for me or at least, that’s what I tried believing in. And I, who has trust issues, just seem to struggle in completely believing everything you say.
Due to my past experiences, getting fooled, I guess. I’d flirt with other guys just because I don’t know if what I was dealing with was real. But at the end of the day, I’d still find your presence. I’d tell you about all these things that I did. I’m such a shame.
But I don’t know why and how, how could you still accept me every time? I have been shitty and yet you’re still there, constantly making me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. It’s crazy.
I have pictured my life with you. I have pictured both of us crying while we say our vows. I have picture you and I having kids like how we talk about them. I have pictured spending the rest of my life with you.
I clung onto you until slowly, every decision I make includes you. And I don’t know why, to be honest. We both knew this will never work but every time we crave for each other’s presence, we fall back.
Unfortunately, with the consideration of our situation, that only I can change with a lot of things to sacrifice on the side; your state, that both of us won’t ever change, you don’t let your heart win your mind. Ever.
I appreciate you more than my words could ever express.. I LOVE YOU!!
LOVE,
