LEA: 2017: SUNSETS & SUNRISES

On various occasions, I have seen the sun set before my eyes and the stars begin to shine in the comforting darkness of the night sky and on very rare occasions have I seen the sun rise whilst standing on the balcony of a HDB unit where where my family stays. On both occasions, I seem to be two completely different person yet I still found beauty in the scenery and the air I breathed in.

This post is long overdue as 2017 has reached the end of it’s first week. Despite that, much like everyone else, I had been inevitably impatient about leaving 2016 in the past and hoping it would become nonexistent. Like any other human being, I have experienced so many moments within 2016 that I most probably will never forget, ever. I have met friends who I never expected to bond with, I have experienced betrayal, the drifting apart of friends and loneliness within one’s own mind. Furthermore, I have learned how difficult it is to stay optimistic and positive when it seems as though everyone is against you being happy.

Throughout last year, within myself, I have found failure to succeed, disappointment in my actions, greed in my emotions, and selfishness in my desires but I continue to breathe, to live and to stay alive, even though it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have seen too much blood seeping out my body and leave a trail of sadness every time I pick my pieces up, I have seen too much tears shed from my eyes down my cheeks and dry on my face because I was so tired I fell asleep and I have seen too much of oblivion to know not to wish it on anybody because I have to deal with it every single day. I am a sad person, I have come to realize and accept that fact no matter what anyone says. I am sad but that does not mean I am unable to feel anything else, I am sad but I am human, just like you I feel anger, happiness, envy, jealousy, the love my friends have overflowing from within them; I am human.

I am still unreliable, unlovable, unacceptable, to myself and to society or at least the society I live in. I still struggle with self-love even after entering 2017, I still struggle with remembering important things even when I’ve written them down, I still struggle with being kind even when I’ve done it for years, I still struggle to keep calm even when I’m supposed to be used to it and I still struggle to stay alive even when I know I’m loved. The mind is a beautiful thing yet a lethal weapon any person could have, because no matter how many times you’ve been told you are loved, you believe otherwise, and no matter how many times you’ve been told your existence matter, you believe otherwise. It truly feeds off of your happiness and turns it into a darkness no one should ever have to go through but sadly, most of us do.

“You do not deserve to feel this way.”

We know, we have heard that sentence for years and years from different people because they have come and go, at different places because they have chosen it so we could remember, at various times so that we are constantly reminded of how helpless our situation is but we do not blame them. No one can truly understand you if you are unable to understand yourself first. We have gone through days living out our lives within the comfort of our imaginations knowing that we will most probably never be able to achieve it but at certain times, when the sunlight filters through the curtains and paints the floor warm and we sit tangled in our blanket, the slimmer of hope almost subtly drifts through our minds and hearts, telling us that ‘we can do it’. It is at that exact moment that we will break, all of the emotions and tears we have sealed tightly within ourselves will overflow; the lid will pop open, our glass bottles will crack and our tears will burst.

We have suffered for way too long.

We have seen darkness for so long it has become home.

We have hurt our bodies for so long, the pain no longer registers.

We have broken down so many times, our sanity is questioned.

We do not deserve this.

We do not.

And I realized that if I were to ask myself, “what are the things you love most?” I wonder how long it will take me to answer, “myself.”

For far too long, we have intoxicated ourselves with self-loathe and hatred, but I hope that as the new year continues to grace you with it’s presence, you are able to find little things about yourselves you are able to love. There is no rush, even if everyday the progress is alike a drop of water, all you have to do is accumulate the drops until one day, the water spills and you will be able to love yourself wholeheartedly without ever having to question the importance of your existence.

You do not need to feel the sand between your feet to see the sun set or feel the breeze against your skin on a balcony to experience the sun rise, from where ever you are, you are progressing, if you can see the sun, there is still hope because if the sunlight chooses to kiss you then you must have been radiant enough for it to love. At night the stars scatter across the sky and there is slight breeze, your hair will sway much like your heart but never fear a starless sky because when that happens, the moon will always embrace your beauty by lighting up your eyes in it’s glory, if it loves you that much then you must have the stars within your eyes.

Happy New Year