I’m always apologizing. I apologize for asking when someone gets bothered that I ask them to do something with me, I apologize when someone has done me wrong, it’s a constant thing. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me, because to be honest I don’t think any of them truly want to be around me. I feel as if they pity me, they feel bad because I’m damaged so they feel like they need to or have to be there.
Nothing sucks more than not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because you feel like you have nothing to live for. It’s gut wrenching when the person you love (who is no good for you and whom you’ll never stop loving) is repulsed by you. It’s awful when the person whom you really like and who makes everything better makes it quite clear you’re just not good enough for them.
Every time I learn to love myself I let my walls down and someone comes along and makes me feel amazing only to make me feel empty in the end. Then it’s back to square one. It’s like a never ending cycle. I truly believe that not one person I’ve been with has loved me. It’s like I’m not worthy of love, respect, or appreciation.
I’m damaged, I’m not put together… But is anyone really all put together? I just don’t get why I’m not enough for any of the people who are enough for me. Why no matter what I do or say, it just doesn’t phase them. I put up with so much from so many people. I’m always doing things for people without being asked to do for them. I’m always giving people repeat chances after they’ve messed up because I’d like to believe they are actually an amazing person. I’m always there for people, even the ones who’ve done me wrong. But no one is really ever there for me. Some listen and then some say I’m throwing a pity party even though they asked what was wrong. But no one is actually truly there.
I hate being blown off. I hate the fact that people will make plans with me and then back out at the last second. It just makes me think that they’d rather do anything in the world (eat nails) than be around me. I hate when people make promises that they can’t keep. I hate when people lie. I hate when people use me. I hate when people hurt me and get off on it. I hate when people make me cry and then get mad that I am crying.
I hate crying in front of people. I hate the fact that I’m so weak that I can’t hide how broken and upset I am around anyone. I wish that I could be perfect and good enough. I’ve been called every name in the book, and deep down I know I’m none of those things but the more I hear them, the more people pity me, the more I’m screwed over, the more I begin to believe that I really am a terrible, messed up, disgusting human being.
I’d never make someone feel so awful about themselves. I just want to be happy, respected, and appreciated. I want someone to not be embarrassed of me and someone who doesn’t pity me but truly wants to be in my life. Clearly that’s just too much to ask for.
